Don't Cry

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

“You know what I love about funerals? It’s great having all those sad, grieving people all in one room. I love all the tears. I love the misery. Most of all, I love the clichés and the platitudes…” said no one ever.

One of the universal experiences of life is the experience of sorrow; ever since Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden and death entered the world, we all experience grief. There are times when grief is so strong that you feel like you can touch it. When you’re grieving, nothing else makes sense. The strangest experience is leaving a graveside to see people going about their everyday business. Going to lunch. Taking walks. Going to work. Meanwhile your soul is screaming. Everything around you is darkness.

Jesus speaks into the darkness with the second Beatitude: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

There is an old saying: Time heals all wounds. Whoever coined that phrase should be dragged out and shot. Time most certainly does not heal all wounds. Time doesn’t mend the hole in your heart where your loved one used to be. Time changes things, but it doesn’t bring healing. True healing comes from somewhere else.

There are actually many kinds of mourning. The first kind of sorrow and mourning could be called “general sorrow.” This is a normal part of life in this fallen world; it is perfectly natural to mourn. You can find this general mourning all over the Bible. For example, Abraham wept when his wife Sarah died. In Psalm 42:2-3 the psalmist mourns as his soul pants after God (loneliness). Timothy wept tears of discouragement (2 Timothy 1:3-4). Jeremiah preached in tears (Jeremiah 9:1 - disappointment). Paul wept tears of concern (Acts 20:31). If you are looking for some Bible trivia, the shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35, and it tells us that when Jesus’ friend Lazarus died, Jesus wept. Though there are many reasons for sorrow and mourning, general sorrow is natural and normal.

A second kind of mourning and weeping, however, is the improper kind. For example, there are times when someone mourns because they can’t satisfy their lust or sinful desires. For example, in 2 Samuel 13, we read about Amnon, one of King David’s sons, who lusted after his half-sister Tamar to the point where he made himself sick because he couldn’t have her. In 1 Kings 21, King Ahab wanted Naboth’s vineyard so badly that he cried and sulked and wouldn’t eat.

Another kind of mourning is foolish, extended mourning of people who can’t let someone go. Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t the kind of grief where you’ve gotten on with your life but then Christmas or an anniversary comes and along with it comes waves of sorrow. If you have ever watched the show “Hoarders” you’ve seen people whose mourning is out of control. It seems like every hoarder on that show suffered some sort of loss and not only could never get over it, but then became a hoarder, holding on to stuff because of their extended mourning and grief.

The last types of mourning are in a way unnatural. Their effects are the exact opposite of what God wants us to experience. They make wounds deeper. They turn memories into a punishment. Sometimes we react out of selfishness – we want something or someone not because of who they are but for what they do for us. I remember a funeral where the widow was angry at her husband for dying and leaving her alone. Now who was going to do the things he had done for her?  Yes, that’s a natural reaction, but staying there is crippling. It actually set him up as a little god – that she couldn’t rely on anyone, even God, to comfort her. Sometimes we grieve out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of death. Other times we’re wracked with guilt – our way of atoning for past failures and sins in connection with the deceased. King David experienced this in 2 Samuel 15-20; his son Absalom has done everything to try to dethrone David, and finally Absalom is killed. David wept for Absalom so much that his soldiers actually felt guilty for winning the battle! – but David’s sorrow stemmed from his guilt over being such a terrible father.

Many of the resources I found completely spiritualized this Beatitude, and I agree that it has a powerful spiritual component, but before I go on, I want to pause a moment and talk about comfort for mourners. There are many times when we don’t know what to say, and the sad truth is many of us say stupid things to grieving people. When someone’s husband dies, we say things like, “God must have needed him more than you do.” When a child dies, we say things like, “God needed a little angel.” Or we avoid talking about the loved one because we don’t know what to say, or, even worse, we avoid the mourner because we don’t know what to say.

The Bible has much to say about comfort. In Job’s story, his friends came to comfort him and actually were doing a good job until they opened their mouths. A key to comforting someone is presence. Sometimes when we’re sitting in the dirt, we just need someone to come sit in the dirt next to us.

In his second letter to the church in Corinth, the Apostle Paul writes: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Now, we’ll get to the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles in a moment. But since we’re going to stay there for a while, I want to look at the reason why God comforts us. God comforts us so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

There seem to be two types of people who have gone through difficult times. The first type is bitter. They say things like, “well, if I had to go through it, they should, too.” This kind of person walked five miles to school, uphill both ways, in six feet of snow (and so on) and kids now are ungrateful for the opportunity to learn. They should (fill in all the terrible things you had to do).

The second type of people who have gone through difficult times have found that their troubles have made them compassionate. I have heard from some of you how, after your spouse died, another widow came alongside you and invited you to sit with them. This is what Paul was talking about. If you have received comfort, give it. But the reality is that it is God who brings comfort.

Listen to these three verses from Psalm 119: Psalm 119:50: My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:51: I remember your ancient laws, O Lord, and I find comfort in them.
Psalm 119:76: May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

If we know the Scriptures, we know that God makes promises and that God’s promises never fail. Sometimes we make promises we can’t back up, like the husband who promised to always be there for his wife, and then, what do you know, that liar went and died. But God’s promises never fail.

One of the Scriptures I am most frequently asked to read for a funeral service is the twenty third Psalm. Listen to verse 4: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

What this says is our God has the power to uphold his promises. It is not the deceased one who walks through the valley of the shadow of death; he has passed through it and no longer faces death. We who are left behind are the ones who walk through the valley. But as we navigate this valley, we have nothing to fear, because of God’s supreme power! Many times we think of something soft and nice bringing comfort, but this is a reminder that God’s power is comforting. It is a comfort to know that if God is with us right now, we have nothing to fear!

However, the Bible also presents our comfort in future terms. If you look through the Prophetic writings, you’ll find God speaking to a people who are exiled. They understood their exile as a punishment from God for their sinful behavior, but, while in exile, God says: Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people, and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. (Isaiah 49:13)

The promises God makes are welcome for those who mourn. Isaiah 51:3 says: The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

When you’re mourning, know that joy and gladness are coming. But is it coming for everyone? To get at that, look at Isaiah 57:14. For this is what the high and exalted One says— he who lives forever, whose name is holy: I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.

Why would God be near the lowly and contrite? This gets back to the first beatitude: When we admit that we need God, he is close to us. The thing is that we frequently forget that we actually need God. We are so self-sufficient that we can fall into the trap of believing that we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. This is why in Luke 6:24, Jesus adds: But woe to the rich, for they have already received their comfort.

We need to take this to heart, because we are the rich. If we think we can totally rely on ourselves, God will allow us to. But when we are lowly of heart and contrite, the Lord is near to us. I want to talk about being contrite for a moment. There are times when we are sorry but it’s only the “I’m sorry because I got caught.” We probably all know someone who is like this – when we drag our kids out and make them apologize, we’re teaching them something that we want them to carry forever – the ability and willingness to say, “I’m sorry,” but there are some adults who will only grudgingly say those words and only when they’re caught in the act. Then they’re usually mad at whoever it was who caught them. Listen to what Paul says to the church in Corinth: Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. (2 Corinthians 7:10).

If we mourn our sin, it brings us to the place where we will repent, turn from it and go in the opposite direction. This kind of sorrow actually brings life! Some people have preached that once you’ve become a Christian, you won’t ever sin again. This leads to a lot of guilt and shame among Christians when they find themselves struggling with sin. The Holy Spirit continues to show us our sins both before and after we become Christians, and our attitude about it is key. Will we mourn our sin? If you think of sin like a disease, you can think of the Holy Spirit as our doctor, showing us where that sin exists in our lives. But are we willing to allow Him to do surgery, to cut the sin out of your life? Unless you mourn your sin, you won’t allow that, and you’ll never have the comfort of forgiveness. But much like disease, where some people deny their sickness, there are people who deny that they might even have sin imbedded in their lives or attitudes. Others think they can change their sin on their own – pull themselves up by their bootstraps, if you will.

This does not work. We cannot pull ourselves up to a place that is higher than we are. This is why James says Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7)

A parallel passage to the beatitudes is Isaiah 61. Listen to the prophecy, and see if you can hear the words of comfort.

Isaiah 61 
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

The one anointed by the Spirit has become the “comfort of those who mourn.” Those who mourn right now do so because of the apparent slowness of God’s justice. But meanwhile, they rejoice because their salvation has found its beginning. The time draws near when they will be comforted – in Revelation 21 we read that we will live face-to-face with God where He will wipe away every tear – but in the meantime they rejoice in the knowledge that the kingdom has arrived.


It is clear through the scripture that mourning itself doesn’t bring comfort – the comfort comes from God. The people in Old Testament times wrote about calling out to God and knowing that he was near, but in John 14:16, Jesus tells his disciples, “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and to be with you forever – the Spirit of Truth.” Then skip down to verse 26: “The Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” The name that is translated “Advocate” in the NIV, stressing how he speaks on our behalf, is translated “Comforter” in the KJV, standing as a reminder that the Holy Spirit brings us comfort. And the Holy Spirit is not far from the Christian, but instead, lives within, every day revealing Himself to us, leading us toward perfection and one day, to the fulfillment of our salvation.

Comments

Cindy Smith said…
It is easy to lose sight of where our Comfort lies when we are mourning someone we've loved and lost. This has put my heart back on track. I've been struggling with not knowing how to help my niece with her grief over losing her mom Sunday...especially since I haven't been doing so well with my own. Mary and I were close friends as well as family. Reading this had helped me, so much, Brian. Thank you! (again, impeccable timing!)

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