Breaking the Power of the Past
We are in our third week of putting the pieces together – our journey toward mature discipleship. We have established that we are emotional beings, and that it’s our duty to look beneath the surface of our lives, to see the 90% of us that usually never surfaces. As we look under the surface, however, the Gospel provides our safety net, reminding us that we’re God’s beloved sons and daughters.
As we look beneath the surface, especially as we reflect on our past, I wonder if there might be any emotional baggage or unfinished business from my past affecting us today. What makes us ask, "What would everyone think? We’ve got to keep up appearances. Nobody must ever know."
Many of us have those skeletons in our closets, those things about our past that we’re ashamed to admit. For some, it’s abuse. For others, it’s extreme poverty. For some, it’s addictions. For the rest, it’s something else. The truth is this: Every family has been damaged. Every one of us descended from Adam and Eve’s family tree. We’ve been dysfunctional since Cain killed his brother Abel.
Many of us (rightly) see ourselves as new creations in Christ, but I wonder: are we blind to how much our family of origin dominates our daily lives? Are we resistant to go back over our stories and reflect on how our past might be negatively affecting us?
One way to look at our families of origin somewhat objectively is by drawing a genogram. This is a way of drawing a family tree that looks at information about family members and their relationships over two or three generations.
You see, sin is passed from generation to generation. In the Ten Commandments, we read a provocative statement from God: For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20:5-6). The great part of this is that God shows love forever. But the sobering truth is that our choices and our sins don’t just affect us; they affect our children, our grandchildren, our great-grandchildren…
We pass sin from generation to generation. We need look no further than the Patriarchs to see this: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. For years, the Israelites referred to God as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Abraham was the one with whom God made His covenant.
But if you look at their family genogram, you will see some sinful patterns emerge.
First, there is a common pattern of deception: Abraham lying about Sarah (wife or sister), Isaac & Rebecca’s marriage dominated by lies and trickery (Genesis 27), and Jacob lies to anyone he can. Ten of Jacob’s sons fake the death of their brother.
Another common pattern is how parents deal with children; Abraham takes matters into his own hands wrt the promise, and Ishmael is the result. Sibling rivalry causes horrible problems (Ishmael/Isaac still has results today), Jacob is Rebecca’s favorite, while Esau is Isaac’s favorite; Rebecca helps Jacob trick his father into giving him the blessing that was supposed to go to his brother, Esau, the firstborn. Because of this, Esau hated Jacob and hunted him down to kill him. When Jacob had children, he played favorites: Joseph was his favorite, and this, along with his attitude toward his older brothers, was what drove them to fake his death and sell him into slavery. But they didn’t get there in a day; it was generational sin.
Last week in Rudy’s class we talked about King David and his genogram; though David was known as a man after God’s own heart and wrote psalms and lead God’s people victoriously in battle. As a shepherd, he defeated a lion and a bear and even slew Goliath. He became Israel’s second king and extended the country’s borders. When he was around 40-50, however, he started slipping spiritually. In 2 Samuel 11:1 We read this: In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab off with the king’s men and the whole Israelite army…but David remained in Jerusalem. David began what will turn into a generational pattern. Instead of taking care of his business and doing his job, David was messing around the palace spying on Bathsheba. The story moves to adultery, lies, attempted cover-ups, and finally murder.
The theme of sexual sin is handed down from generation to generation. Like the pagan kings of the ANE, David collects wives (in direct contradiction of God’s law). Like I said, he also commits adultery with Bathsheba. His oldest son, Amnon, rapes his half sister and disgraces her. Solomon collects 700 wives and 300 concubines. Solomon’s son Rehoboam has 18 wives and 60 concubines.
Family division and sibling rivalry are integral parts of David’s family. David has tensions with his brothers: not quite like Jacob and Esau, but tensions nonetheless. When Samuel comes to the house of Jesse to anoint one of his sons as king, David is not even brought forth; he is left to tend to the sheep. Later, when Jesse’s sons go to war against the Philistines, David is sent to bring them food. When he comes, his oldest brother accuses him of having a wicked heart and of only coming to watch the battle (1 Samuel 17:28).
David’s sons escalate brotherly tensions; his son Absalom, murders his brother Amnon and later proclaims himself king.
As David slips from his devotion to God, so too do his sons. Solomon does build a fantastic temple for God, but he mixes in worship of the gods of the nations around him (which were supposed to have been driven out in Abraham’s time!)
Sin is passed on from generation to generation, and the implication in our lives is clear: it is impossible to help people break free from their past apart from understanding the families in which we grew up. Unless we grasp the power of the past on who we are in the present, we will inevitably replicate those patterns in relationship inside and outside the church.
Some examples of this are as follows:
- Understanding that a turning point in her life was a certain rejection in junior high school was important for Joan’s discipleship. It had led her into a life of drug addiction. Narcotics Anonymous played a large role in her recovery.
- Ron’s fight to make it as a professional musician contributed to his relentless perfectionism with himself and others. He battles to receive God’s unconditional love and grace in Christ.
- Kathy’s autistic son has made her sensitive to families with a disabled member.
All of the people I mentioned are in different places in their journey with Christ, but a critical part of growing into maturity in Christ needs to include addressing these issues and how they impact who they are in the present, both positively and negatively.
We can be shaped by our families, but we are also shaped by significant events such as a divorce, sexual or emotional abuse, an addiction, a lengthy period of unemployment, a particular betrayal, or a friendship. The question to ask is, "What are a few events or people that have impacted who I am today, that will help me understand ‘what makes me tick’?"
Now, we might have a disposition toward a certain behavior, but that doesn’t mean we’re stuck. That’s what society tells us; if we’re predisposed to do something, then we don’t have any choice but to follow through on it. But there is another possibility. In John 3:1-5, Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council, comes to Jesus at night and says, "Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him." IN reply, Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."
"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb to be born." Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit."
What Jesus is pointing at his this: we have the possibility of having a new birth into a spiritual family. Think of it this way: If you are an apple tree and want to bear peaches, you can be pruned, or someone can attach peaches with wire to your branches, But apples keep coming. If you want peaches, you have to dig up the apple tree and plant a peach tree. New roots are needed for new fruit. All we do is modify the same tree when we make resolutions or commitments to pray more, go to church more consistently, or resolve to stop bad behavior. The root needs to be pulled up.
Only by God’s direct intervention can we be changed. This requires a complete change at the root, or the base of who we are. The good news: God is willing to do this change. In fact, when Jesus’ family came looking for him in Mark 3:35, he said this: whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.
We are baptized, not in the blood of our biological family, but in the blood of Jesus, and we’re given new name (Christian), new inheritance (freedom, glory, hope), and new power (Holy Spirit) to live the new life.
Remember that becoming a Christian doesn’t erase the past. We get a new start, but we still come in as babies, drinking spiritual milk, expected to die daily to the parts of our lives that do not honor God and follow Jesus.
Discipleship includes honest reflection on positive and negative impact of family of origin/major influences in life: hard work. The extent to which we can go back and understand how it has shaped us will determine, to a large degree, our level of awareness and our ability to break destructive patterns, pass on constructive legacies, and grow in love toward God and people.
Read these words of a Hasidic Rabbi on his deathbed:
When I was young, I set out to change the world. When I grew older, I perceived that this was too ambitious so I set out to change my state. This, too, I realized as I grew older was too ambitious, so I set out to change my town. When I realized that I could not even do this, I tried to change my family. Now as an old man, I know that I should have started by changing myself. If I had started with myself, maybe then I would have succeeded in changing my family, the town, or even the state – and who knows, maybe even the world.
So when you read the Bible, start asking yourself, how does this scripture differ from the way I was shaped, either in my family growing up, or by other influences (culture)? Now that I am in God’s family, what needs to change in the way I treat people?
Read this testimony from Stan Cullen
So, I’ve been working as a nurses aide for the last year, or so. If you don’t
know what an aide does, well, it’s mostly stuff that people would rather do for
themselves if they could. If you have never wiped a fellow human being’s
backside, let me tell you, it’s a lot harder on the person getting wiped.Especially that generation… They embarrass a lot more easily than we…Anyway, a
large number of the people I’ve helped care for have had a least a little
dementia (what used to be called senility), and a few have had suffered from
pretty advanced Alzheimer’s disease. One thing that is common with these folks
is that a little loop of thoughts will play, over-and –over, in their head.Sometimes they’ll repeat the same two or three stories again, and again, and
again. I’ve had times, working in the hospital, where I’ve been assigned to sit
with an elderly person for eight hours, just to assure they don’t hurt
themselves, and they will repeat the same couple of stories for the entire eight
hours. They have no idea that they are doing it. (Or they don’t care)So, here is what I’ve noticed…. The stories these folks tell are either very sad, or very happy. There really doesn’t seem to be any middle ground. Almost without
exception, their minds have fixated on very comforting, or very troubling
thoughts. They spend all of their time either comforting, or torturing
themselves. I can’t imagine anything worse than having your mind locked on a
handful of events that shattered your heart. Conversely, I fully embrace the
idea of replaying the 8th grade talent show, over-and-over, during my final
days.I’ll get back on point.My grandfather was a perfect example of this. He
had suffered a really awful trauma as a kid: When he was just a kid, he woke in
the middle of the night to the sound of his parents fighting. The fighting, in
itself, wasn’t particularly unusual but, the length and the volume of it scared
him so badly that he got out of bed and crawled across the floor to listen.Listening though a vent in the floor, he soon realized that his parents were
deciding to divorce. Worse, as he lay on there on the floor, only 11 years old,
he heard that the issue that was really making them furious was that the
decision as to which parent he, my grandfather, would be living with after the
split. Neither parent wanted him. Not only did neither parent want him, they
were violently arguing as to who was going to be forced to take him.So, this
little boy, in 1921, pulled on his shoes and began walking. He walked all of
that night and way into the next day.Eventually, he came upon a farmer working a team of horses in a field. He sat on the fence and watched the old man work. Finally, when the farmer’s route got him close enough to speak with him, he asked my grandfather what he wanted. My grandfather asked "Do you have any work around here a boy could do for some food?" The old man called him over, put him on the seat next to him on the plow, and took him home. He lived with that man and his wife for the next five years. During all of the ensuing years, no one ever came looking for my grandfather. Years later, after he had been reunited with his parents, they actually told him they were relieved he had left. Can you imagine?That night in 1921 scarred my grandfather for the rest of his entire life. It informed how he interacted with each and every person who was ever to be in his life. And, at the end of his life, it became his loop.
For the last several years of his life, my grandfather told me this story. At the very end, he would tell it to me several times, every day. Each time he told it, he would
weep. It haunted and traumatized him to the very end.The thing that I find so
heartbreaking about this is that my grandfather also had some profoundly good
luck in his life. My grandmother adored and doted on him for their entire
marriage, we grandkids most certainly worshipped him like good grandchildren
should, he was able to (due to some shenanigans that I probably shouldn’t
divulge/lol) retire in his early 40’s! Still, he was never able to let go of the
pain of that one night and, in the end, it consumed him.So, here’s what I’ve done. I’ve made two lists….Both of these lists are made up of the people and events that I feel have had the most profound effect on my life.One list is made up of things that were painful…The other list is full of things that have been
joyful….The second list is significantly larger than the first….I’ve never shown
these lists to anyone….I read the joyful list often.... It’s my hope that the
joyful list will be the loop that serves as my mental soundtrack of my last
days…..For most of us, one day our brains will have no regard to what we want
our thoughts to be. It will be steering the ship whether we like it or not. I
just hope my brain will pick to be joyfully confused, not fixated on the handful
of hurts that I’ve (like all of you) experienced.
We all have the choice now what we will concentrate on. Will we suffer the power of the past, or will we, with God’s help, fix our minds on whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is excellent or praiseworthy.
*Note: this message, along with others in this series, has been adapted from Peter Scazzero's book The Emotionally Healthy Church.
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